So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
