watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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