i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
