This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
