Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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