Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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