I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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