Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
