She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
