I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
