I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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