I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
