i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
