When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
