I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
