someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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