Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
