i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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