WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
