I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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