Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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