I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
