guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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