I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
