worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
