I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
