I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
