Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
