you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
