this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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