Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
