i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
