I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
