im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
and she was petting her beer can
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
