Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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