so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
