theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
