I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
