video games are the ultimate cock blocker
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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