Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
