You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
