I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
