You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
