ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my phone needs a breathalizer
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
