I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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