There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
