Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
