That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
