I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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