Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I want her autograph on my taint
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
