So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
