We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
