i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
