if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think my fart just growled at me.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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