I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
